The Big Revelation
by RedEyedWarrior
Summary: Chris and Chef call all of the contestants over to the conference room for a big revelation. It is a revelation so big, the contestants will have a hard time coping with it. WARNING: it's weird. Probably as weird as Trainspotting.


**This is the most inappropriate story I have conceived so far. I warn you, you will be so shocked from reading this you'll be trying to cope with this all day.**

**DISCLAIMER: I'm pretty sure **_**Total Drama**_** would be banned if I owned it.**

* * *

"WILL ALL FORMER CONTESTANTS PLEASE COME TO THE CONFERENCE ROOM?! THAT'S ALL CONTESTANTS?!"

Naturally, none of the contestants wanted to stop what they were doing and head over to the conference room, but at the same time they were interested in what Chris has to say. They arrived at the conference room, where Chris and Chef were standing. Both were looking serious, which was rare. Chris was usually excited about doing something sadistic or some other unethical deed. Chef was usually furious it was beyond a joke. He normally looked like he was on the verge of ripping an innocent bystander limb from limb, which was why most of the contestants avoided the cook at all costs. Now, Chef and Chris both looked very serious. Neither of them looked like they wanted to do something terrible to the contestants.

"Guys, we have something very important to tell you guys," said Chris.

"Let me guess," Noah sneered, "the ratings have plummeted so you've decided to kill us all before you kill yourselves?"

"Watch yer mouth, Noah!" Chef barked. "Let Chris finish!" Noah rolled his eyes.

"Thanks Chef," said Chris. "Anyway, we are going to divide you guys into groups of two. We'll tell you why when the groups are formed." He grabbed two clipboards from the table and handed one of them to Chef. They both scanned their clipboards.

"Alright, so when I call your name, go stand over there by the windows," said Chris. "If Chef calls your name, go stand over across from the windows. Ezekiel!"

Ezekiel stopped picking his nose and went over to the windows of the conference room. He put the mucous in his mouth, much to everyone's horror.

"DJ!" Chef called out. Sweating profusely, DJ went over to the wall across from Ezekiel.

"Sierra!" Chris called out. Sierra joined Ezekiel by the windows. She hoped Cody would join her too.

"Gwen!" Chef called out. Gwen shrugged and joined DJ across from the windows.

"Lindsay!" Chris called out. Lindsay went over to where Gwen and DJ were, but Chris grabbed Lindsay and dragged her over to where Ezekiel and Sierra were standing.

"Courtney!" Chef called out. Courtney glared at Gwen as she joined Gwen and DJ. Gwen returned the glare. Chef glared at Courtney and Gwen, prompting the two to stop glaring.

"Tyler!" Chris called out. Tyler obeyed and proceeded to make out with Lindsay until Chris slapped them both. Neither Lindsay nor Tyler knew why Chris didn't want them to make out, but they kept their distance.

"Cody!" Chef called out. Cody swaggered over to Gwen, DJ and Courtney. Sierra saw this and freaked out.

"NO!" she shrieked, lunging for Cody and pouncing on him. "HE SHOULD BE WITH ME!" Chris and Chef intervened. Chris dragged Sierra over to where Ezekiel, Lindsay and Tyler were standing. Chef helped Cody up and led him over to Courtney, DJ and Gwen. Cody winked at Gwen, but Chef glared at him, so Cody looked the other way.

"I WANT MY CODYKINS!" Sierra wailed.

"Not now, Sierra!" Chris snapped. "Brick!"

"Sam!" Chef called.

"Katie!"

"Sadie!"

"WHAT?!" shrieked Katie and Sadie.

"Shut up!" snapped Chris. "You can hang out after this! Dakota!"

"Anne Maria!"

"Scott!"

"Mike!"

"Cameron!"

"Noah!"

"Zoey!"

"Bridgette!"

"Jo!"

"Izzy!"

Izzy grinned devilishly as she cartwheeled over to her group, jumped into the air, did a few flips and landed on Noah's shoulders.

"Kill me now," Noah muttered.

* * *

Ten minutes later, everyone was assigned to a group. Chris's group consisted of Ezekiel, Sierra, Lindsay, Tyler, Brick, Katie, Dakota, Scott, Cameron, Zoey, Jo, Lightning, Geoff, Eva, Heather, Owen, Trent, Beth and Justin. Chef's group consisted of DJ, Gwen, Courtney, Cody, Sam, Sadie, Anne Maria, Mike, Noah, Bridgette, Izzy, Harold, B, Staci, Dawn, Alejandro, Duncan and LeShawna.

"Okay, so what's the big news?!" Duncan demanded.

"You're all related!" Chris announced.

"WHAT?!" shrieked everyone in unison, including B.

"Yep," Chris replied. "As it turns out, the guys I called over, I am your father!"

"And as for the brats I called over, I'm your father!" Chef added. Everyone was horrified.

"But… but…" Dakota protested, "I have a daddy!"

"You were adopted," Chris explained. "Like most of you guys. Most of you were adopted. Only Anne Maria, Bridgette, Cameron, DJ, Eva, Ezekiel, Gwen, Scott and Sierra were born to their actual families. Scott was raised by his grandfather while the rest were raised by single moms, except Zeke, Bridgette and Justin. They were conceived through IVF."

"Can't say I'm surprised," Noah sneered. "My eight siblings and I were adopted. If my parents were fertile, our family would be bigger than the population of China."

"But I look like my dad!" Owen protested.

"Same with me!" Duncan added. "How do you explain that?"

"Some of your legal dads had plastic surgery because they knew who your fathers were," Chef explained. Courtney went up to Chef and poked him in the chest.

"You knew you two were our fathers yet you never told us?!" she shrieked.

"That's how you got on the show, but we decided to wait until when we were both ready to tell you guys," Chris cut in.

"And don't you poke your father in the chest!" Chef snarled, squeezing Courtney's hand.

"Yeah, well you're too late!" Noah deadpanned. "Either because of your laziness or your sadistic personalities, some of your lovely little children were engaging in incest."

Chris flashed a toothy grin. "Well, it's not my problem!" he smirked. Courtney and Gwen realised how serious Noah was being. They looked at one another, and then over at Duncan. To their horror, Duncan was in the same group as they were. It wasn't long before the CIT and the Goth chick were doubling over, retching profusely.

"Why aren't you throwing up?!" LeShawna demanded, glaring at Duncan.

"We didn't know we were related, so it's cool," Duncan shrugged.

"Izzy's done worse," Izzy added. "Izzy kinda hand sex with Gwen, Courtney, Bridgette, Noah and Chef while they were asleep. So not only has Izzy shagged-"

"Please don't finish that sentence, Izzy!" Noah begged.

Meanwhile, Lindsay, who still did not get that she and Tyler had the same father, was dragging Tyler to the room for some fun. Of all the times she could've remembered Tyler's name and existence, it had to be when they discovered that they were related.

"Wait a minute!" Anne Maria protested. "Chef is gay. How could he be our dad?"

"Ever heard of a closet case?!" Chef demanded. "Well I once was one! And no more MTV for you! It's a bad influence!" he added. Anne Maria cursed under her breath. Izzy pounced on Chef and tackled him to the ground.

"DADDY!" Izzy chirped, bouncing up and down on Chef's back.

All was not well among Chris's children either. Jo decided to hit Brick, and Brick surprised Jo – and everyone else – by hitting her back. Zoey and Scott were arguing non-stop. The same went for Lightning and Cameron, and Beth and Heather. Sierra kept squealing about how great it was that Chris was her father and she kept hugging the host, much to his chagrin. Justin was upset because now that Heather was his sister she was off limits. Trent was happy because he has eighteen siblings. Among Chef's children, meanwhile, Mike changed to Vito, who decided to berate Anne Maria for liking MTV. Anne Maria beat the shit out of Vito, but Vito changed to Manitoba Smith who shoved Anne Maria away and went up to Staci to find a way to shut her up. DJ was fighting with Harold because Harold called him an idiot for believing in Santa until he was eleven even though Harold was ten when he stopped believing in Santa. Courtney and Gwen finally stopped throwing up and agreed to a truce when they found out that Duncan knew they were related all along, and that Duncan shifted 60% of their fellow contestants while he was dating them. They vowed to make Duncan's life miserable. Dawn tried to get Noah to rejoice in the family reunion and change his aura, but Noah rudely dismissed her, causing Dawn to punch Noah in the face for being an asshole.

Geoff and Bridgette were relieved that they weren't related. The same went for Mike and Zoey and Sam and Dakota. However, most of the contestants were still fighting with their siblings. Katie and Sadie were crying because they wanted to be half-sisters, even though they were also each other's lesbian lovers. The row eventually grew so intense Chris had to blow a horn into a loudspeaker to shut them up.

"Now that I have your attention," Chris smirked, "Chef and I have decided that you're all grounded."

The room was silent. Then it erupted into another loud row again. Chris laughed to himself and joined Chef in the kitchen, where he was making dinner.

"Man, I can't believe they fell for that!" Chris laughed.

"Those idiots!" Chef chuckled. "Fans of MTV would believe anything you told them!"

* * *

**And there you have it. Probably one of the strangest stories on the site. I'm probably going to Hell for this.**


End file.
